Clearly I am the character here.

As much as I wanted this to be trip around san Francisco worship, as much as I feel there is a need for a true unbiased survey what people are doing in their search for something greater, I have a feeling that for now, for me, I need to write something a bit more real first. Perhaps this will lead to something with more substance then the little world I have created around me, but for now there are clearly some things that need airing out and for better or worst, this is where they need to happen. So for today's addition, I went to the park.

Two days ago I lost my job. A fine job, one I could do competently and that provided the perfect balance between life and work. Three weeks later I got the call to go into my manager's office. And like that it was done. I was in euphoric mood at first, thinking finally the time to devote to my writing, finally the chance to break once and for all from the tedious bonds of the tech sector. Then reality set in, along with a deep depression. After struggling to silence my mind, I rushed outside to our ill-tended backyard and sat Indian style on dead earth and shriveled weeds. I thought about a lot of things. Mostly, I let a tide of regret surge into me. I thought of the past I let you take a peak at two posting before, and of a future unlike this one. I dreamed of an ordinary future with a wife and child and stalwart faith in God who loved me with life without end ahead. I realized it was my fault that I lost that job, that it was a symptom of me letting go of the values I had grown up with and had worn without question. I could have been such a better man. I praied that it was not too late. That moment I notice besided me a flower, tall and thin, with brilliant orange petals. In the middle of all this death, a single flower. That is a miracle, I thought, that is my miracle. It was the most beautiful thing I could think of. I immediately called up my Dad.

Today, after being locked out of the house, I took a walk down the street to golden gate park and somehow found my way to the huge botanical garden right near my home in the sunset. It is a "living museum" full of plants from all over the world. I saw Big Reds with downward hanging bells the color of blood hanging off of dark green stalks. Happy wanderers spread across an embankment with fine thin stems like capillaries and delicate new leaves. There was one loose bush of an off-white flower with deep purple insides and an orange tipped stamen bursting out the middle. Particularly interesting was the sight of the progression, with shriveled tubes of half-blooms waiting underneath and still younger paper cocoons folded like lanterns. Everywhere there was perfect beauty, a balance and variety I never really new existed in nature before. For all debate over creation and evolution, for all the certainty at which I thought I had put the issue to rest in my mind, I could not help but look at the magic in front of me and think where was the thankfulness for this life we have been given, where such beautiful things exist right down the street from us.

I wandered there for a long time, touching the spiky things and smelling fresh sawdust and soil, watching the animals interact. I have heard and absorbed much talk of God being within us and learning to love other by loving ourselves first, but here for the first time in a while I felt truly humbled and unworthy. Seeing all the creation around me, I felt foolish for taking the blessings of my life and throwing them back in the face of my creator so presumptuously. What did I expect from life? What did I actually see in this life I was leading?

Next week, I am going back home. For the first time in a long time, I am going to try going to a meeting of the Jehovah's Witnesses. I unfortunately have become one of those people who only reach out to God in times of crisis. I pray he will find it in his heart to forgive me one more time.

[San Francisco Botanical Garden]
[9th Avenue at Lincoln Way]
[Weekdays, 8 am to 4:30 pm. Weekends & holidays, 10 am to 5 pm]